http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/arts-and-life/life/magazines-creator-says-style-has-no-size-208267711.html

Looking forward to seeing this new magazine when it comes out! I should know better than to read any comment section but just for fun, I did count how many comments it would take until ' diabetes' was mentioned. The answer is , ' Two'.
FML

Big Leg Woman Gets My Pay

Eunina Jeans, skinny leg style

In a shocking case of synchronicity with Zaftig Times, I found a pair of jeans yesterday : on sale, and in a style I didn't really think I could wear! You see, I'm one of those big-legged women Robert Plant sang about; I remember  working in a denim store as a size 10 and having a hard time squeezing into what we then called ' peg leg' jeans.
Thankfully the fashion industry has come to be more inclusive and this is the result. This pair in the picture was worn all day to work and have bagged out slightly since putting them on 12 hours ago, but that seems pretty standard with stretch jeans of any brand.
To hem or not to hem.. is the question. I like the rolled look!
Blind Boy Fuller likes something to hold onto

I call bullshit

"It's for charity"
"I did it as a favour, hope you don't mind"
"There's really only enough to pay the headliner"
"You'll get more shows out of doing this one for free"
"Stick with me, I'll get you work"
"It'll get you recognition"

At my day job nobody has ever asked me to work for free, so I don't understand why people think they can ask me to perform at an event and then not pay me.  I am providing a service, and I'm not a volunteer, unless I choose to be.

Note to self: Be more cautious in who you book shows with and if they're not professional in their actions, don't do shows with them. Invoice and 50% downpayment or no show.

Clicking " Not Attending"

I called in sick to Facebook today, I'm not going in. 

After reading several posts about Facebook-related narcissism disorders, I really started to wonder if I was staring a little too closely into my own navel.  (See David Wygant's article for Huffington post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-wygant/are-you-a-facebook-or-twi_b_3008931.html )
The signs are all there: the excited feeling I get when I see the indicator light on my phone, the inability to accept boredom for a single minute... I think I may be an addict.  Instead of doing housework, I'm on my laptop clicking ' Like' on inspirational quotes or captioning my friend's posted photos, as if my life depended on it.  Chat function means at any time of day I can bore someone with my random thoughts or gossip, neither of which I really want to be known for.  Facebook is making me into a person seeking attention for all the wrong reasons.  If I stand back and take a good look at my posts, I notice a distinct trend toward seeking approval for two things: what I'm wearing and how I'm acting. 
Facebook, you're steering me wrong, you're like a bad friend who's not encouraging me to be my best.  I think it's a good time for us to maybe put some space in the relationship.  Just because I put together a cute outfit today doesn't mean that I simply must show everyone.  At work I don't get an evaluation every day; it's the long-term progress reports that count.  If I walked into the boss' office and asked for daily evaluations, I'd never get any work done; this is my a-ha moment.
Facebook is now my Svengali, hypnotizing me into making me feel I'm something better than I am. It's fun, it's soothing, but real efforts will ultimately yield more rewards. My own real life deserves my attention, so Facebook, consider me ' Not Attending' as often!

Hold Me Closer Zaftig Dancer

I got an email a few weeks ago from a fellow comedian, Quinn Greene :
" Hey Heather,

I'm shooting a kid-oriented rap video for the Manitoba Dental Association this week on Wednesday.

I was wondering if you might be interested in playing a character in the video. We're looking for a lunch lady character who gets spun around by the kids in the cafeteria and then breaks into dance in one scene, embarrassing the kids."

I arrived onset at the school cafeteria and went to hair and makeup: French braid, hairnet, apron. Now it was time to shoot the scenes. The kids had to run past me as I carried a stack of lunch trays and after a couple of takes, we got the shot the director wanted. Now it was time for me to dance. 

This video shoot didn't require an audition of any kind; I was chosen mostly based on my ability to look like a middle-aged lunch lady. I'm actually fine with that, surprisingly. What the director did not know was that he had just inadvertently hired the funkiest, freakiest forty-four year old suburban mom comedian known to man. Yes, ladies and gentleman, prepare to witness the fresh moves of Heather Witherden, dancemaster. 

I bust some moves and threw down so hard that even the moms of the child actors came over to congratulate me on my skank crunking (thanks OnlineSlangDictionary). It was amazing. Some of the kids even looked up from their Angry Birds for a second, it was that good. My epic grooves will now go down in history for the greater good of getting kids to properly brush their teeth.  Will my contribution to humanity never cease? I am an amazing person. I felt like a million bucks.  Actually, I felt over-caffeinated due to the free coffee from craft services, but you get the idea.

Truth is, I love dancing. I take any and all opportunities to dance. As a child, I was forced  involved in Ukrainian folk dancing, which led to Ballet ( for a solid dance foundation) and since then I've been in hip-hop classes, belly dance, African dance and burlesque. Once I pop, I can't stop. Take me to a live music show and I will end up dancing by or on the stage. I will eat your dry wedding chicken dinner provided your DJ has James Brown and Janelle Monae in his playlist. I could probably hire myself out as a bachelorette party just by myself, just add party hats, I am that entertaining on the dance floor. My style has been described as ' arrogant' and I'm perfectly okay with that.

I'm not a punchline, I take my dancing seriously. If you don't want to have fun, don't come out onto the dance floor with me. However, please note that my dance is pure improvisation. Choreography is a straightjacket I cannot abide. I see couples who have clearly spent their Tuesday nights counting to 8, in some little dance studio, learning to rumba. They have the emotional connection of an Instant Teller. Push the buttons, make the dance. NO. I say NO. Dance is freedom, not rules. I understand that you need to learn the basics but then you also need to let go; after all, if the universe has entrusted you with a world-class ass, it's your destiny to go shake it.

Dancing Lunchlady

Moonlight Madness Burlesque

Now Available For Bachelorette Parties!