Clicking " Not Attending"

I called in sick to Facebook today, I'm not going in. 

After reading several posts about Facebook-related narcissism disorders, I really started to wonder if I was staring a little too closely into my own navel.  (See David Wygant's article for Huffington post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-wygant/are-you-a-facebook-or-twi_b_3008931.html )
The signs are all there: the excited feeling I get when I see the indicator light on my phone, the inability to accept boredom for a single minute... I think I may be an addict.  Instead of doing housework, I'm on my laptop clicking ' Like' on inspirational quotes or captioning my friend's posted photos, as if my life depended on it.  Chat function means at any time of day I can bore someone with my random thoughts or gossip, neither of which I really want to be known for.  Facebook is making me into a person seeking attention for all the wrong reasons.  If I stand back and take a good look at my posts, I notice a distinct trend toward seeking approval for two things: what I'm wearing and how I'm acting. 
Facebook, you're steering me wrong, you're like a bad friend who's not encouraging me to be my best.  I think it's a good time for us to maybe put some space in the relationship.  Just because I put together a cute outfit today doesn't mean that I simply must show everyone.  At work I don't get an evaluation every day; it's the long-term progress reports that count.  If I walked into the boss' office and asked for daily evaluations, I'd never get any work done; this is my a-ha moment.
Facebook is now my Svengali, hypnotizing me into making me feel I'm something better than I am. It's fun, it's soothing, but real efforts will ultimately yield more rewards. My own real life deserves my attention, so Facebook, consider me ' Not Attending' as often!

Hold Me Closer Zaftig Dancer

I got an email a few weeks ago from a fellow comedian, Quinn Greene :
" Hey Heather,

I'm shooting a kid-oriented rap video for the Manitoba Dental Association this week on Wednesday.

I was wondering if you might be interested in playing a character in the video. We're looking for a lunch lady character who gets spun around by the kids in the cafeteria and then breaks into dance in one scene, embarrassing the kids."

I arrived onset at the school cafeteria and went to hair and makeup: French braid, hairnet, apron. Now it was time to shoot the scenes. The kids had to run past me as I carried a stack of lunch trays and after a couple of takes, we got the shot the director wanted. Now it was time for me to dance. 

This video shoot didn't require an audition of any kind; I was chosen mostly based on my ability to look like a middle-aged lunch lady. I'm actually fine with that, surprisingly. What the director did not know was that he had just inadvertently hired the funkiest, freakiest forty-four year old suburban mom comedian known to man. Yes, ladies and gentleman, prepare to witness the fresh moves of Heather Witherden, dancemaster. 

I bust some moves and threw down so hard that even the moms of the child actors came over to congratulate me on my skank crunking (thanks OnlineSlangDictionary). It was amazing. Some of the kids even looked up from their Angry Birds for a second, it was that good. My epic grooves will now go down in history for the greater good of getting kids to properly brush their teeth.  Will my contribution to humanity never cease? I am an amazing person. I felt like a million bucks.  Actually, I felt over-caffeinated due to the free coffee from craft services, but you get the idea.

Truth is, I love dancing. I take any and all opportunities to dance. As a child, I was forced  involved in Ukrainian folk dancing, which led to Ballet ( for a solid dance foundation) and since then I've been in hip-hop classes, belly dance, African dance and burlesque. Once I pop, I can't stop. Take me to a live music show and I will end up dancing by or on the stage. I will eat your dry wedding chicken dinner provided your DJ has James Brown and Janelle Monae in his playlist. I could probably hire myself out as a bachelorette party just by myself, just add party hats, I am that entertaining on the dance floor. My style has been described as ' arrogant' and I'm perfectly okay with that.

I'm not a punchline, I take my dancing seriously. If you don't want to have fun, don't come out onto the dance floor with me. However, please note that my dance is pure improvisation. Choreography is a straightjacket I cannot abide. I see couples who have clearly spent their Tuesday nights counting to 8, in some little dance studio, learning to rumba. They have the emotional connection of an Instant Teller. Push the buttons, make the dance. NO. I say NO. Dance is freedom, not rules. I understand that you need to learn the basics but then you also need to let go; after all, if the universe has entrusted you with a world-class ass, it's your destiny to go shake it.

Dancing Lunchlady

Moonlight Madness Burlesque

Now Available For Bachelorette Parties!

Next show, Dec.1st - Open Before Christmas!

Santa Baby! Holiday Burlesque & Retro Dance Party! this Saturday night, Dec.1 at Juss Jazz 240 Portage Avenue!

A Miss La Muse / King Cabernet production!

Osborne House Fundraising Calendar - Now Available!

Warning: Vanity Post !

Now available at The Foxy Shoppe, is the ' Be Your Own Kind of Beautiful ' 2013 Calendar!  A project organized by the beautiful Pamela Fox, the $20 calendar is being sold as a fundraising project for the local Winnipeg women's shelter, Osborne House

I was so pleased to be asked to model for this calendar and am proud to say I am officially Miss March 2013, so you will enjoy 31 full days of seeing me in your kitchen, or bathroom, or gym locker.
Actually, please DO take me to your gym locker, as it's probably the only way I'll regularly get to the gym.

All funnies aside, it's a beautiful gift for only $20 that will help support women and children whose lives have been uprooted due to domestic violence.

Winnipeg is Better Than Chocolate: The Foxy Shoppe Calendar Launch Gala - FREE!!

Winnipeg is Better Than Chocolate: The Foxy Shoppe Calendar Launch Gala - FREE!!: November 23, 7:00 pm to 9:00 pm The Foxy Shoppe 87 King St. Join us for great fun and a wonderful local cause!  100% profits goin...

Guys, Tosca Reno's following me!!

The great thing about Twitter is the ability to follow celebrities, hear what they're doing, who they're doing it with, and what they're eating for lunch; the bad thing is, those celebrities can follow you back.

Today Tosca Reno's bot started following me, at least I pray it's a bot, and not actually Tosca Reno, because quite honestly, she's pretty intense.  Don't get me wrong, this isn't the first time I've been followed by a fitness and nutrition expert.  I'm a very popular target for those folks.  I'm like an alcoholic that has not yet hit rock bottom, but the helper types and shake sellers circle me online, ready to help me make that transition into clean living.

I'm not 100% healthy, but I'm not ready to eat kale.  What category of person does that make me? It means I'm in denial, probably like about 95% of people.  I eat broccoli spears, then I eat a brownie. Some might call that life balance, and some might call that lunacy.

So what does it mean to be followed by Tosca Reno? Will she comment on pictures of my lunch? Will I start being influenced by her low carb days? Can I still make jokes about her dom/sub relationship? ( If he says, ' good girl ' to her one more time..... yeesh)

I guess she figured the best defence was a good offence, but c'mon Tosca, how can I poke fun at you if you won't leave the room?

p.s. Chocolate-dipped bacon at the Fort Garry Hotel!

Stairs

Time for my stair-climbing workout!

I have made many decisions standing on a flight of steps: kiss him or just walk behind him quietly, for example!

I'm really glad I kissed him.

Stairs are the perfect metaphor for getting where you want to go:

you have to focus or you will fall and hurt yourself

no one cares how fast you get there as long as you're not blocking them

keep looking up

one step at a time unless you're quite fit

there are many people happy to see you rise, even if you're ahead of them

Go climb some stairs, people! It's 2012, how high can you go!